now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
