I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
