haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
So squirting runs in the family.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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