god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
