through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
