i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
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I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
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Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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