chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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