I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
