Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
