i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
