i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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