I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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