Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
