someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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