Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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