I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
