i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
How's work?
Spinning.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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