Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
3pm strippers are depressing
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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