Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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