I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
