yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
