I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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