UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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