the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
