Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
