OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
