got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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