I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize