remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
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Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
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We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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