meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
