when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
love makes seman taste better
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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