Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
