I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
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