Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
