failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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