Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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