youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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