My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
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