Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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