U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
