He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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