I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
