She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
