ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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