I've blown a few things in my day
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
