Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
