the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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