So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
