Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
