I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
