Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
