dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
