I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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