remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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