Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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