Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
