Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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