Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
